Saturday, August 13, 2011


Hey everyone. I got a little busy yesterday so I didn't manage to get a blog post done. Instead, today you get two! Here's the first one, with the second to come a little bit later:

EDIT: It's late and I have my first shift at my new job tomorrow. Double-feature tomorrow?




“Yao! What’s happening? Babe, it’s been far too long! Listen, I just got this amazing script plopped onto my desk and you would be perfect for the lead! It’s got everything you like: action, cool one-liners, babes in skimpy outfits. Studio is begging for me to get you. I know how busy you are, but please, please, give your old pal Temu a call. Budget is huge for this feature. Picture this: it’s a history piece. Well, kind of. You’re the last of your kind, a race of immortal warrior assassins...and you have to travel the ancient world to find your long-lost love. Lots of fighting, monsters galore, babes...battles with fae wizards and mighty hama armies and dragons...what do you think? Huh? I’ve sold you, I know I have. Look, babe, call me back soon, we really want you for this. We’ll do lunch.”



“Hello. Yao.Tl. Ix.Ta.Pan. If you’re receiving this message. You may. Have. Already. Won. Five. Thousand. Travel. Dollars. To claim. Your prize. Please. Press. Zero. Or say. Yes. Now.”

“If you. Are using. A rotary. Phone. Please say. Yes. Now.”

“If you. Have received. This message. As a voicemail. Message. Please. Call. The following number: Three. Two-One-Two. One-Six-Nine. Three-Five-Five-Seven. To claim. Your prize. Of five thousand. Travel. Dollars. That number. Again. Is. Three. Two-One-Two. One-Six-Nine. Three-Five-Five-Seven.”

“Hello. Yao.Tl. Ix.Ta.Pan. If you’re receiving this message. You may. Have. Already. Won. Five. Thousand. Travel. Dollars. To claim. Your prize. Please. Press. Zero. Or say. Yes. Now.”

“If you. Are using. A rotary. Phone. Please say...”



“Yao. Mother is very upset with you. How could you change your number and not even tell her? Well I gave it to her but now she’s too upset to call so she made me do it instead, you insensitive bastard. You haven’t come to visit us in over a year. You can’t tell me you’re that busy making movies that you can’t come to visit mother and your only sister. Or are you too busy with that new tramp girlfriend of yours, the fairy? I know you find her interesting, Yao, but you really ought to give that kind of immature dating up and find a nice Axoltec girl to settle down with. Citlatl is still single, and you always used to tell me how pretty she was. What would father say if he was alive, to know that his only son is dating a fairy? I mean, I have no problem with them...but you know, you’re Yao Ixtapan. Can you afford that kind of negative publicity? You’re not an ulama player, you can’t just date any kind of woman you please, you know. You should see what they say about you, it’s all over the...”



“Your answering machine thing is too short. You should get a new one, it’s not like you can’t afford it. Oh and speaking of money, I need to borrow like, ten thousand dollars. Or was it twelve? Anyway it’s for a new car. And I don’t want you to call back and lecture me, not that you will anyway, you never call, I’m always the one calling you, but it’s for mother. The car. She’s always complaining that I borrow hers too much so I thought if I got her a new one I could just have hers. I drive it more than she does anyway, and it’s just so perfect for me. I can pay you back when I get that settlement. Anyway I’ve got to run, my dance lesson starts in half an hour, and you know how traffic is, up in the hills. Call me back sometime, you jerk.”



“Hi, love. It’s me. I’ve got some exciting news. I don’t really want to talk about it much over the phone, but I think I’ve found somebody willing to look at the script. I know you said that you had it covered, but I figured you were really busy so...I hope you aren’t too mad. It’s not going to be a big-budget production with a big studio, but that’s perfect because then nobody will fuck around with my script, right? (Laughter) Anyway the producer loves it and thinks it’s going to take the film festival by storm. This is your chance to reinvent your image, love, and my chance to open the world’s eyes to the horrors that...well, anyway I’m getting kind of ranty, sorry. (Laughter) Call me back as soon as possible, sweetie, and I’ll give you all the details, as well as my hotel room number here in Missigani. You’d better hurry up and book a flight out here or I’ll run off with some other gorgeous movie star. (Laughter) Sorry, I know you’re busy finishing up publicity for Black Blade 3...I just miss you. Anyway your machine will probably cut me off any second so...”



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